(no subject)

[shiromirai]

Title:This is how it is
Author: shiromirai 
Fandom: Twilight mostly, but a variety.
Pairing/character: None
Rating: FRC
Prompt: WTF?! They SPARKLE?! 
Kink:Parody, Twilight-bashing
Notes/Warnings: There is nothing kinky about it. *headdesk* But I hope it's funny. More of a rant than a ficlet, really (it's a short little thing). The grammar is deliberately skewed. It's a fanfic for the T-word. You have been warned.

 

 The story starts, as all vampire stories do, with a certain extremely, acutely, immensely, excessively normal girl.[1] In fact, there is such an air of normalcy around her that her every action is distinctly unremarkable - so much that by the law of the Discworld Newton, since every action must have an equal reaction, several remarkable things are about to happen to her.

 

To begin with, there has been a certain rumor floating around about a certain person. No one knows much about said person but wherever our normal main character is, the news travel fast enough to break Mach 2 and soon tidbits of information are dropped and Suspicions are raised. (Instantly, we readers are aware that is the soulmateloverdevotedhotsmexyvampire other main character, even if the girl continues to wonder around unaware. Naturally every detail of the description of him is read and avidly reread again.)

 

Soon, True Love begin growing between them, despite the fact that they have barely met and the boy has inexplicably sharp teeth and is terribly drawn to her blood. Or in some special cases, they even sparkle. Yes, I mean the vampire as well as the teeth and the blood.

 

Not much time passes after our girl finally gets a clue or the news is broken to her in a Dramatic Manner. Much angst is seen on the vampire’s part, but instead of a normal breakup like any normal non-suicidal human would want, they have tearful and Dramatic confessions of love and devotion. And suddenly matters such as interspecies (or necrophilia, depending how you want to look at it) intercourse are moot point. Sordid details such as “I love to watch you sleep” is now seen as romantic rather than the actions of a stalker that should be subjected to a court order and there is much diabetic-inducingly sweet talk and heaving bosoms. In some cases, it is more like tectonic shifts, but I digress.

 

The evil villain now steps on scene, creating trouble in paradise, and super powers are found (if they were not shown off beforehand, and no, drop-you-dead-smexy doesn’t count). All of a sudden, the vampire realizes how much danger he is placing his beloved (as if the attraction to her blood was not enough of a hint from the Powers That Be) and there is more angst and tearful goodbyes. In some cases, the girl becomes stricken with ‘lack of self-preservation’ or misdirection (that when you see supernatural things trying to kill you, you run the other way) and a Plot is finally seen. It would be news for rejoicing if this occurred, say, three-fourth of the book before. 

 

Through much blood and killing and a suspicious lack of psychiatrists and a sudden myriad of coincidences (such as the knife just happens to be next to her hand), both our main characters emerge alive and nemesis-less and suddenly everything is right with the world once more. And it didn’t even take the second coming of Christ.

 

 

There are no witnesses (in some cases, there aren’t even a corpse to dispose of), the police stay unawares in their secluded realities and it is another Happily Ever After. With possible lots and lots of sex.  [2]

 

And of course, have sparkly vampire babies that is capable of spine-breakage. It's soooo romantic.

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[1] Somewhere far off, in distant Louisiana, a certain Sookie Stackhouse sneezed violently.

 

[2] Unless of course, the author suddenly turns Catholic and denies all such actions and instead it all becomes a metaphor for blood drinking (because that’s so much better).