shiromirai (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shiromirai) wrote2009-04-30 07:55 pm
shiromirai) wrote2009-04-30 07:55 pm
Entry tags:
Hellsing & Month Python crossover
What better way to christian this new journal than through pure, unadulterated crack? How can I let this opportunity pass by?
This comes at a time before Millennium was Millennium true and proper, in all of its unbridled, vicious glory. No, this is an event that dates back to when Millennium was composed of the few, the dead, the cruel--and Schrodinger. Schrodinger--ah, Schrodinger. What else is there to say? Trapped in a youthful body for all of eternity--hell yeah, you looked cute, and boy did that get him attention from the ladies--but it wasn't as if they were ever going to follow up on anything. He was just Schrodinger, that cute little werewolf boy. I will rip out your heart.
However, he found his place at Millennium--yes, he was still the werewolf boy, but what was a werewolf when there were vampires around? Here, he was useful; Herr Major wanted him for his skill. The Everywhere but Nowhere Technique.
~0~
Schrodinger marched into the main conference room and saluted smartly.
"Herr Major!"
The man addressed swiveled around slowly in his chair, round glasses gleaming ominously.
"Ah, Schrodinger. Just the one I wanted to see. Yes, I have a mission for you. It has come to my attention that the ancient English-" he spat the word like it was filth "developed many traditions and obscure rules. Such frivolity but Hellsing-" Another spat word. "Still adheres to today. Your mission is to go back to that time and report to me everything that you have seen. You have two days. That is all."
Schrodinger saluted the Major before vanishing to the past. Another chance to prove my worth…
~0~
"We are the Knights of Ni! Who are you?"
Schrodinger blinked.
"...I am the werewolf Schrodinger."
The knights turned to each other, muttering excitedly.
"A werewolf? How can you be a werewolf? Isn't the moon due to be full in a few weeks hence?"
Schrodinger was slightly annoyed.
"I am a proper werewolf! Not one so weak as to be influenced so heavily on the moon!"
Again, more excited muttering.
"A proper werewolf, he says!"
"How can we be sure?"
"Ni."
"We can always ask him to bite someone, yes?"
"But then they'd turn into a werewolf too!"
"Ah, yes. Then we'll see if he turns into a werewolf!"
"Ni!"
"But how will we know?"
"A werewolf is related to a wolf, yes? And they are related to dogs, being of the same family, Canis, is that not correct? And dogs are naturally inclined to fetch sticks and other articles of a random nature, yes?"
His fellow knights nodded vigorously.
"Ni."
"Then it is a simple matter!" He crowed triumphantly. "We must see if he will fetch! In that manner, we will ascertain that he is indeed a werewolf!"
Schrodinger appeared to be forgotten entirely. He was flabbergasted. Hadn't he just apeared from nowhere?
Were there not ears on his head, most wonderfully grey wolfish ears, at that? Were these people blind?
"Were the Knights blind, you mean."
"Ni."
Schrodinger blinked. "Excuse me?"
"You meant, were the Knights blind. We are the KNIGHTS OF NI, my good fellow. It is a capitalized phrase; you would do well to remember that."
"And how do you know what I was thinking?"
The Knight shrugged. "Subtitles. See, there--running along the bottom of the screen. You are speaking German, you know. Therefore, there must be subtitles!"
"Ni."
Logic. There had to be some sort of logic inherent in this world.
"You are the Knights of Ni."
"Aye," they chorused.
"And what is it that the Knights of Ni do exactly?"
The Knights looked at one another before conferring in a group huddle. They turned back to the werewolf after a small discussion.
"We make demands for shrubbery!"
"...shrubbery. Dare I ask, why?"
Another conference.
"We don't rightly know, my good fellow!"
"Ni."
"That we don't!"
"Have we been dilly-dallying to no purpose then?"
"It would seem so, my good Knight!"
"What now, then?"
"Ni."
Schrodinger groaned quietly. Of all the people in this blasted country to meet...
"Say! Young werewolf! Do you have a quest for us, perhaps?"
Said personage started to open his mouth, when...
"I say! Doesn't he have to be a Knight of Ni to request a quest?"
Glances were interchanged.
"Aye, I believe so."
"What to do?"
"Ni?"
They all pondered this for a short while.
"Why don't we just make me a Knight?" Schrodinger suggested. (Hopefully, it would only be temporary. The things he did for Herr Major...)
"A brilliant idea!"
"Capital!"
"Stupendous!"
"You must say 'ni'."
"Nee."
"No, not nee. Ni."
"Nee."
"No, ni, I said!"
"What's the difference! Nee, ni, it all sounds the same!" Schrodinger shouted in frustration.
"No, it does not. They're spelled differently, after all."
All of the Knights nodded sagely.
Schrodinger sighed wearily. "Fine. Fine." He went back and crossed out the previous words, editing them to read
'ni'.
The Knights beamed happily. "Aye, now you are a true member of the Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"
"Ni." Schrodinger replied wearily.
"NI! Now, my good fellow Knight of Ni, what was the quest that you had for us?"
"Ah...something to fight vampires. Yes, that's it! Something...holy."
They glanced at each other before huddling together again.
"Brother, you seek the Holy Hand Grenade!" they shouted as the discusion broke apart. One waved his arm in a triumphant manner.
"And where will I find this Holy Hand Grenade?"
"In the Church of course!"
"NI!"
"Yes, the Church!"
"Tally-ho! TO THE CHURCH!!!"
To Schrodinger's astonishment, the men began to prance as if on horseback. One passed him a pair of coconuts.
He stared at them.
"...coconuts?"
"Aye, coconuts! You bring them together and clop softly."
"Don't you mean clap?"
"Hush! Clop is clop and clap is clap. Now, you clop them together and if you get really good, you can make a rhythm! Like so: clop-clop."
The coconuts were bequeathed to Schrodinger, who stared at them still, but clopped anyways.
"To the Holy Hand Grenade!!"
"Niiii!!"
~0~
"There it is!"
"The Holy Church of Antioch!"
"Ni!"
Schrodinger couldn't bear to look at the Church, in all of its glorious beauty. Quite literally.
"What is that thing MADE of?!"
The other Knights beamed proudly.
"The entire church is coated with a layer of silver with a purity of nearly ninety-nine point nine percent! Isn't it beautiful?"
Just then, the sun reared its ugly head, and effectively blinded Schrodinger.
"Aaauuuuggghhh! The silver! It burns!"
The Seemingly Head Knight of Ni nodded sagely, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Aye, it does indeed. It burns its holy image into my retinas so that this most wondrous sight will never be forgotten!"
Schrodinger ran, clopping all the while.
~0~
Herr Major turned in his chair at the sound of approaching footsteps. He put down the piece of paper he was signing. How odd, he wasn't expecting any company...
It was Schrodinger, who seemed to be clapping a pair of coconut husks together as he...galloped? Was that the right word?
"No more!" The boy gasped piteously. "No more of the bloody English! Ni!"
"Nee? What is it that you have to report to me?"
Schrodinger's eyes widened comically before he ran off screaming.
"Auuggghhh! The Knights of Ni shall never be shamed! Ni is the word we must guard! Long live NI!"
The werewolf phased out of the Major's presence.
"Hm. The Knights of Nee, was it?"
~0~
Somewhere very far away from England:
"No! It's NI, not NEE! It's all in the spelling!!"
Unleashing the Knights of Ni
Rated G
Summary: Hellsing crossover with Monty Python (in case you didn't get the title reference) . No plot, no point, but then it's Monty Python.
Author's note: I make no apologies! You have been forewarned. XD Comments are always more than welcome.
Disclaimers: Nothing here is mine. Sadness.
Summary: Hellsing crossover with Monty Python (in case you didn't get the title reference) . No plot, no point, but then it's Monty Python.
Author's note: I make no apologies! You have been forewarned. XD Comments are always more than welcome.
Disclaimers: Nothing here is mine. Sadness.
***
This comes at a time before Millennium was Millennium true and proper, in all of its unbridled, vicious glory. No, this is an event that dates back to when Millennium was composed of the few, the dead, the cruel--and Schrodinger. Schrodinger--ah, Schrodinger. What else is there to say? Trapped in a youthful body for all of eternity--hell yeah, you looked cute, and boy did that get him attention from the ladies--but it wasn't as if they were ever going to follow up on anything. He was just Schrodinger, that cute little werewolf boy. I will rip out your heart.
However, he found his place at Millennium--yes, he was still the werewolf boy, but what was a werewolf when there were vampires around? Here, he was useful; Herr Major wanted him for his skill. The Everywhere but Nowhere Technique.
~0~
Schrodinger marched into the main conference room and saluted smartly.
"Herr Major!"
The man addressed swiveled around slowly in his chair, round glasses gleaming ominously.
"Ah, Schrodinger. Just the one I wanted to see. Yes, I have a mission for you. It has come to my attention that the ancient English-" he spat the word like it was filth "developed many traditions and obscure rules. Such frivolity but Hellsing-" Another spat word. "Still adheres to today. Your mission is to go back to that time and report to me everything that you have seen. You have two days. That is all."
Schrodinger saluted the Major before vanishing to the past. Another chance to prove my worth…
~0~
"We are the Knights of Ni! Who are you?"
Schrodinger blinked.
"...I am the werewolf Schrodinger."
The knights turned to each other, muttering excitedly.
"A werewolf? How can you be a werewolf? Isn't the moon due to be full in a few weeks hence?"
Schrodinger was slightly annoyed.
"I am a proper werewolf! Not one so weak as to be influenced so heavily on the moon!"
Again, more excited muttering.
"A proper werewolf, he says!"
"How can we be sure?"
"Ni."
"We can always ask him to bite someone, yes?"
"But then they'd turn into a werewolf too!"
"Ah, yes. Then we'll see if he turns into a werewolf!"
"Ni!"
"But how will we know?"
"A werewolf is related to a wolf, yes? And they are related to dogs, being of the same family, Canis, is that not correct? And dogs are naturally inclined to fetch sticks and other articles of a random nature, yes?"
His fellow knights nodded vigorously.
"Ni."
"Then it is a simple matter!" He crowed triumphantly. "We must see if he will fetch! In that manner, we will ascertain that he is indeed a werewolf!"
Schrodinger appeared to be forgotten entirely. He was flabbergasted. Hadn't he just apeared from nowhere?
Were there not ears on his head, most wonderfully grey wolfish ears, at that? Were these people blind?
"Were the Knights blind, you mean."
"Ni."
Schrodinger blinked. "Excuse me?"
"You meant, were the Knights blind. We are the KNIGHTS OF NI, my good fellow. It is a capitalized phrase; you would do well to remember that."
"And how do you know what I was thinking?"
The Knight shrugged. "Subtitles. See, there--running along the bottom of the screen. You are speaking German, you know. Therefore, there must be subtitles!"
"Ni."
Logic. There had to be some sort of logic inherent in this world.
"You are the Knights of Ni."
"Aye," they chorused.
"And what is it that the Knights of Ni do exactly?"
The Knights looked at one another before conferring in a group huddle. They turned back to the werewolf after a small discussion.
"We make demands for shrubbery!"
"...shrubbery. Dare I ask, why?"
Another conference.
"We don't rightly know, my good fellow!"
"Ni."
"That we don't!"
"Have we been dilly-dallying to no purpose then?"
"It would seem so, my good Knight!"
"What now, then?"
"Ni."
Schrodinger groaned quietly. Of all the people in this blasted country to meet...
"Say! Young werewolf! Do you have a quest for us, perhaps?"
Said personage started to open his mouth, when...
"I say! Doesn't he have to be a Knight of Ni to request a quest?"
Glances were interchanged.
"Aye, I believe so."
"What to do?"
"Ni?"
They all pondered this for a short while.
"Why don't we just make me a Knight?" Schrodinger suggested. (Hopefully, it would only be temporary. The things he did for Herr Major...)
"A brilliant idea!"
"Capital!"
"Stupendous!"
"You must say 'ni'."
"Nee."
"No, not nee. Ni."
"Nee."
"No, ni, I said!"
"What's the difference! Nee, ni, it all sounds the same!" Schrodinger shouted in frustration.
"No, it does not. They're spelled differently, after all."
All of the Knights nodded sagely.
Schrodinger sighed wearily. "Fine. Fine." He went back and crossed out the previous words, editing them to read
'ni'.
The Knights beamed happily. "Aye, now you are a true member of the Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!"
"Ni." Schrodinger replied wearily.
"NI! Now, my good fellow Knight of Ni, what was the quest that you had for us?"
"Ah...something to fight vampires. Yes, that's it! Something...holy."
They glanced at each other before huddling together again.
"Brother, you seek the Holy Hand Grenade!" they shouted as the discusion broke apart. One waved his arm in a triumphant manner.
"And where will I find this Holy Hand Grenade?"
"In the Church of course!"
"NI!"
"Yes, the Church!"
"Tally-ho! TO THE CHURCH!!!"
To Schrodinger's astonishment, the men began to prance as if on horseback. One passed him a pair of coconuts.
He stared at them.
"...coconuts?"
"Aye, coconuts! You bring them together and clop softly."
"Don't you mean clap?"
"Hush! Clop is clop and clap is clap. Now, you clop them together and if you get really good, you can make a rhythm! Like so: clop-clop."
The coconuts were bequeathed to Schrodinger, who stared at them still, but clopped anyways.
"To the Holy Hand Grenade!!"
"Niiii!!"
~0~
"There it is!"
"The Holy Church of Antioch!"
"Ni!"
Schrodinger couldn't bear to look at the Church, in all of its glorious beauty. Quite literally.
"What is that thing MADE of?!"
The other Knights beamed proudly.
"The entire church is coated with a layer of silver with a purity of nearly ninety-nine point nine percent! Isn't it beautiful?"
Just then, the sun reared its ugly head, and effectively blinded Schrodinger.
"Aaauuuuggghhh! The silver! It burns!"
The Seemingly Head Knight of Ni nodded sagely, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Aye, it does indeed. It burns its holy image into my retinas so that this most wondrous sight will never be forgotten!"
Schrodinger ran, clopping all the while.
~0~
Herr Major turned in his chair at the sound of approaching footsteps. He put down the piece of paper he was signing. How odd, he wasn't expecting any company...
It was Schrodinger, who seemed to be clapping a pair of coconut husks together as he...galloped? Was that the right word?
"No more!" The boy gasped piteously. "No more of the bloody English! Ni!"
"Nee? What is it that you have to report to me?"
Schrodinger's eyes widened comically before he ran off screaming.
"Auuggghhh! The Knights of Ni shall never be shamed! Ni is the word we must guard! Long live NI!"
The werewolf phased out of the Major's presence.
"Hm. The Knights of Nee, was it?"
~0~
Somewhere very far away from England:
"No! It's NI, not NEE! It's all in the spelling!!"